Attached.
After my solo trip, I decided to start figuring out what I needed next. I felt anxious when it came to relationships. I’d heard about attachment styles, so I picked up this book called Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--And Keep--Love.
What an eye-opening book for me. Learning my pattern of being an anxiously attached person, and why I was so drawn to my last relationship with an avoidant. I gobbled up every word of this book. Every page was relatable. The anxious/avoidant cycle activated for me. It was familiar. I realized; this is what kept me in my marriage to a person with narcissistic tendencies as well.
I knew I had anxieties about certain things. I never realized how much of it stemmed from not feeling good enough. Both partners played into those insecurities. Speaking to people who were never in a relationship with me, they were baffled. YOU don’t feel good enough?? I later learned about a whole group of high achieving women who have the same issues. I never met a challenge I didn’t meet head on. Relationships felt no different. If I wasn’t earning their love, did I actually deserve it? I’d watch for micro changes, were they pulling away? What did I do to cause that? How should I change? This would inevitably cause me more anxiety, want more reassurance and in the case with the avoidant, I think push him further away. I can remember my ex-husband saying to me specifically with a disgusted look on his face “When I met you, you were this confident woman, but inside you’re so insecure, what a turn off”. OOOF, noted. Don’t share insecurities. It didn’t dawn on me to think, get a new partner! My brain said, be a better partner. I was always at fault, I always needed to change.
This book helped me realize I’d been putting my focus in the wrong places. I wanted to be a securely attached person. I had healthy attachments to so many other things in life. A friend canceled plans? I understand. They act a little off? ok, just having a bad day. I easily make business decisions and don’t question my abilities there. I felt like I had this core wound I needed to heal, but how?
