The Inner Work

I stumbled upon this book while searching for my next move on how to heal. It goes into detail about these core wounds, and how to move through them. As I sat there reading (and admittedly crying), I realized how much work I had to do. I was so deeply hurt and held onto the rejection belief HARD. I didn’t feel safe in my own skin, I felt something was totally wrong with me. I’ve been in therapy for years, but this book was so eye opening.

I married someone with narcissistic tendencies, why? Because it felt familiar. It helped me hold onto the core belief that I wasn’t good enough. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life trying to dissect the why? And believing the people who put me down. I wasn’t good enough. So they must be right. I think I believed if I could make a harsh critic believe I was enough, then maybe I could believe it too. This only made matters worse. For the first time I started to say, ok, who cares? What can be done now? How do I move forward? Exactly HOW do I heal?

Another thing about me, I’m impatient. I later found out it’s another sign of unhealed wounds. Ouch. Add it to the list. Strength is built in the wait. Sometimes I picture myself in my head and I have to laugh. I felt like this massive bull, just pushing forward NO MATTER WHAT. I had to accomplish the thing and it had to be right. this. minute. Always looking for the short cut, the fastest way, the best way. I drove myself crazy.

So back to the how. Journaling was a big step for me. I started waking up early just to journal. I looked forward to it daily. Just let the thoughts flow. I’d examine my thoughts. Why on earth didn’t I feel good enough? I always had this tugging at my heart - there’s something wrong with you. It would repeat in my head all the time. I tried drowning it out by doing, ok if I only achieve this, or that, then I’ll know I’m ok.

I did so much twisting and turning of myself. I think I forgot who I was. Who we ALL are. Innocent people, moving through life, carrying these traumas that don’t belong to us. I know the saying is so cliche, “hurt people, hurt people” but it’s so true.

I needed to start observing my thoughts without judgement. You are NOT your thoughts. The ego is telling you that’s what you are. You don’t have to listen. You can simply observe, oh, hello rejection wound, I see you’ve shown up in my thoughts today. You’re not needed, so move along. Don’t judge yourself for the thoughts you have. Instead, look at them like an outside observer. Sometimes sitting and observing in silence is the best teacher. Allow the universe or God to tell you what you need. Go slow, have compassion for yourself. The only person you need to please is you.