Healing Rejection (2)

This one needed two parts. This was/is the most difficult for me, and the base item to fix as I move through my healing. This one goes hand in hand with shame. Something I’d heard before - usually coupled with me not giving myself enough compassion. It all circles together for me. “I’m not good enough, I’m ugly, I’m unworthy of love.” Thoughts that swirled for me on loop for most of my life. I thought my ugly ran so deep, I needed to add qualities to myself just so they’d consider me. Like, OK, maybe I’m ugly, but at least I’d make a great wife. See how I would cater to you? See everything I can do? I’ll make your life so easy! I’ve given so much of myself to others, I lost ME. People pleasing became my safety net. Nobody would ever want to reject a person with so much to offer, right? Feels like a desperate cry. Or just desperate.

Turns out, a lot of this is the ego wanting to prove itself right. It’s desperate to prove exactly how unloved it is. Back to observing the feeling. Remembering you are not your thoughts (you’ll see a theme here). It’s weird how the ego/brain works that way.

I read this book probably 2 months ago at this point. I’m still finding myself going back, rereading parts because this is hard. I have days I feel like I’m doing so well, heck, even a week. Then I’ll see something that reminds me of my last relationship, and I’m right back to feeling inadequate, wondering why I wasn’t enough. Truth is, he has his own things to heal. STOP PUTTING HIM ON A PEDASTOOL. That’s probably more for me than anyone else. Maybe I still love him. Maybe I still hold out hope things could be different. It’s hard when you think they’re the one and they just disappear one day. Ugh, more rejection to heal.

Truth is. His rejection wasn’t personal or true. Trauma can only come from a traumatized source. It didn’t end in a healthy way. Learning to let that go and not feel rejected is so very hard. The thing that’s hard for me to swallow here, if he’s just a hurt person, maybe I can help him. Such a laughable thought when you think about it. Nobody can save you, you have to save yourself. I have to put him in the past. If I don’t, I’m doomed to repeat the scenario over and over. I know that, but gosh it hurts to do. I wanted it to be him so badly.

One way to heal the wound of rejection is to help others who have similar experiences. One of the reasons I decided to start journaling online. Hoping someone reads it, and I can help them. You aren’t alone. You can let go of shame. You can let go of hurt and rejection. You just have to try.