Healing Rejection

My main focus was to work through the book, step by step until I felt better. The very first theme of wounding was rejection. Reading all about it, where my deep hurts were. This started long ago. I didn’t feel like enough. Somewhere along the way, my brain figured out, I had to work for love. I had to work to not be rejected. I couldn’t be fine on my own, no. Narcissist enters the chat. It was toxic from the very beginning. In my 20’s feeling like I’d never meet someone, I thought it was my last chance and definitely didn’t know anything about narcissism. I wouldn’t learn that until way later. And looking back, gosh I was so wrong. I was still so young, and I let the pressure get to me.

So, I let the insane drinking go, I blamed myself for the hitting. I covered it up. Oh, I was drinking too - I had responsibility in this. How can I change? So I mostly stopped drinking. I held it all together. I can just be good enough for the both of us. Looking back, I was anxiously attached there too. Love bombing.. a month in he said, you’re going to be my wife. And I took everything for truth. I should’ve listened when he said “I’m not good enough for you”.

The first time he was violent, it was a shove. I chalked it up to drinking. Then there was the time he spit vodka in my face, judging me for the number of people I’d been with previously, never mind that his was triple. I honestly don’t know if I could recall every act against me, but one left some permenant damage to my face.

I got pregnant, and thought the only thing I could do was stick it out. He asked me to marry him in a way HE wanted.. not at all what I would. I pretended to not hear him the first he asked, trying to buy myself time to think. I guess that’s what we do. Get married.

Fast forward 10 years. We’re living a picture perfect life. Picture. Perfect. The drinking continued, the physical violence has mostly stopped. Add some healthy doses of gaslighting. I felt crazy in my own home. He’d say things like - you’re messed up in the head, you’re not thinking clearly, or my favorite “I never said that”.

I eventually got so much anxiety from this - I couldn’t deal. Speaking to my therapist about this, she’s actually the one who pushed me to read the book - How to kill a narcissist. This was where I learned, HOLY SHIT. I went to my PCP and she gave me a little “ you know, you wouldn’t need these if you left your husband”. OUCH.

I worked up the courage and left one day. I had enough. I deserved more. Step 1 to my recovery. Turns out, recovery would be a very long journey. It’s not a destination. and it certainly isn’t linear.